I was asked recently: “how do you connect to hidden parts of yourself after a period of self-alienation?”

How do you find that inner sense of self that is explicitly you and no one else? Parts of us can hide or go into hibernation in certain contexts, environments, or relationships, in order to keep the peace, the job, or merely survive. They can go into hiding because our parents or other authority figures, including the “cool people” didn’t approve. It can happen after immigration to a new land, where parts of your cultural self are viewed as strange or flawed.

We learn to live without them. We are complex, adaptable beings and we have many other parts to rely on.

Eventually, though, time passes and life goes on. Shifts happen and situations pass. Relationships end, our jobs change, or we simply begin to feel incomplete without those alienated parts. We find ourselves in a new place where the reasons that muted those parts are no longer valid, and only the habit to hide remains.

Thinking about this beautiful question took me to when I began to feel the need to reacquaint myself with the parts of me that are inexplicably Iranian, and which I had “muted” in favour of fitting in within my chosen country. I had begun to feel incomplete, alienated from myself, and an alien in a new culture.

So, how do we find that inner spark? How do we find the parts of us that make us feel like us? For me, the way in is always with love, trust, and curiosity. Start close, start small. Go quiet and listen to the whispers inside. Allow yourself to take the small risk of showing your true self in environments that feel safe, by yourself or with safe others (good friends and family, therapist). If you’re alone, pay attention to when your body comes alive and what you naturally enjoy (dancing, humming to a favourite piece of music, cooking, etc). Joy is one positive feedback you need to know you’re on the right path. Check for the habitual resistant voices that still believe you have to hide. Hear them with gratitude, after all, they kept those parts of you safely stowed away for this day. If it feels like a habitual fear, let it go. Remind yourself of where you are now, and follow the joyful impulse. Have fun with whatever beckons. When you’re with others, this positive shift can happen in real-time. You show a bit of yourself in an environment where you know the people around you love and support you. You'll get a positive response, replacing the negative feedback that took those parts into hiding in the first place, in times past.

You may also pay attention to what lights you by following any of your subtle creative impulses, even if they don't make sense or seem odd at first. The point is not to assess or judge the creative impulse but to recognize it, follow it, and see if it brings you joy, excitement, curiosity, or resonance. You are trying to remember and connect to parts of you that have gone quiet. So follow the impulse and pay attention to what inspires you, what qualities in other people catch your attention, and stay curious. Follow the impulse closely, notice resonance in your body, and you shall find your way back to the inexplicably unique you that had been “lost”, but had actually been guarded until it was safe to come out.

With love ~ Mahshad